Happy International Men’s Day 2024

19 Nov

Written By Michelle McDaid (She/Her)

Today is International Men’s Day, a global celebration of men and boys.

It is built around six pillars:

1. Promoting Health and Wellbeing

2. Being a Positive Role Model

3. Contributing to Wider Society

4. Tackling Inequalities

5. Improving Gender Relations and Equality

6. Creating a Better World

The work being done on achieving greater gender equity must be aimed at making the world a better place for all genders. Today I would like to talk about some of the inequities and challenges that men face. Men have a shorter life expectancy. Men wait longer to seek medical advice and often don’t share health concerns even with those who are close to them. The male suicide rate is extremely high in many countries. Improving the health and wellbeing of men and boys in Ireland requires action at a number of different levels. Ireland was the first country in the world to adopt a National Men’s Health Policy. This, and its successor, the Healthy Ireland Men Action Plan, offer a road map and framework for future development. There is some positive progress but there is a lot more to do! How can we work together to create a world where everyone can thrive irrespective of their gender? How can we move to a more positive form of masculinity where men are more comfortable speaking up and sharing their concerns and seeking the support they need?

Back in 2018, I organised a talk on ‘Why Men Need to be part of the Gender Equity Conversation’ with Peter Cosgrove. Peter shared many enlightening insights and this session sparked many great conversations around how we can improve gender equity together. At the time, I had been frustrated by lack of progress on gender equity. In conversations with some men I was noticing a concern that perhaps things had gone too far on gender equity. (Just looking at the data tells a different story however). It is important to remember it is not a zero sum game. Improving the situation for women does not mean men are losing something. Women want gender equity – not more. I believe it is necessary to have safe spaces for men or women to talk openly about challenges they face and to support one another. However, to make positive progress on Gender Equity we also need a space where all genders are included in the conversation. As more senior roles are held by men, they have the power to create a better world for wider society if they are part of the change agenda.

The patriarchy doesn’t serve men either! The numbers of men taking parental leave are still extremely low. Many years ago when our children were younger, I suggested to my husband that he take parental leave for a couple of weeks over the summer. We were trying to figure out how we would cover the summer school holidays. We had already booked several summer camps which weren’t cheap, and also involved dropping and collecting the girls within our working day. My husband was a little reluctant to take parental leave as it was not the norm. In fact, neither of us knew of any man in our organisation that had taken parental leave. Men were included in the parental leave policy, so it shouldn’t have been an issue. When I shared with my co-workers that my husband was taking parental leave, this was met with much surprise and some found it funny. The following year, however, some of these men also took parental leave. All that was needed was someone to do it first. Positive role models play a vital role.

Having spent most of my career in work environments where women were underrepresented, achieving greater gender equity has been a key goal for me. A few years ago some co-workers and I created a workshop on allyship. We partnered with some male allies who shared their stories on allyship. Many had a positive role model growing up and it led to them being very clear about their responsibilities to improve the system. Others gained a new perspective through an experience that opened their eyes to women’s experience and they wanted to play a part in improving the system. This partnership enabled a mixed gender group to move the dial on gender equity. I was grateful to the men who pushed themselves out of their comfort zone to openly share their experiences in this workshop.

I would like to shine a light on just a few men who are actively working on gender equity and on creating a better world for all. Jeremy Stockdale in his ‘On Wednesdays we smash the patriarchy’ blogs is one of these men. Another is Elliott Rae with his ‘men parenting out loud’ campaign. In their enlightening posts, they show a sense of curiosity, rather than judgement, which brings more people into an open conversation about gender equity. It is joyful to see this male allyship in action. There are many other men who are quietly supporting this agenda behind the scenes. My husband is one of my biggest supporters in my career and I am very aware that it would be a lot harder for me to run my own business without the support and encouragement he gives me! My father is a positive role model and his influence has helped shape how my siblings and I live our lives. Men I worked with previously have been incredible supporters since I launched my business. I have recommended Mary Ann Sieghart’s book “The Authority Gap” to men and have seen an impact of greater appreciation for the challenges women can face. Her book offers insights on practical things we can all do to improve gender equity. When I shared some negative experiences with men I worked with before, I saw them actively listen and make changes to how they operated. One example is when I shared how women were interrupted more and often not credited for their ideas. I noticed my male colleagues pause and say they would like to hear what the woman who was interrupted was going to say, or attribute credit to the woman who first shared the idea. Being heard and valued makes all the difference.

When men have greater flexibility, as well as benefiting them directly, it also benefits women and children and society at large. Some men may not see opportunities to influence gender equity in the workplace but may be making an impact outside work – for example, coaching girls’ football teams. There are many ways to make a difference to the world. It is worth noting that no matter what role you are in, you have a voice and can make a positive difference. You can shine a light on, mentor or support those in marginalised groups. There can still be a lot of resistance to men being allowed flexibility. I have heard of many scenarios where men’s requests for flexibility have been rejected or where men have been made uncomfortable about asking for flexibility. Shockingly, in some cases these men were asked why their wives couldn’t look after the children! Men have seen the benefits of greater flexibility since the pandemic, with more men doing the school run and getting to spend more time with their children. While strict RTO mandates will push those in marginalised groups out of the workplace, they are also unwelcome to many men who are unwilling to go back to a more traditional model.

Elliott Rae speaks about how men often don’t have a broad circle of friends and support networks. He talks about the ‘man box’ which contains many things men don’t feel able to speak about. Too often men don’t feel like they can speak openly about their mental health. We need to make positive changes to promote men’s health and wellbeing. There can be unspoken expectations of men of stoicism. Boys are told from an early age that it is not acceptable to cry. Crying is actually good for us as it releases tension. If it is not acceptable for men to express many emotions, they may end up expressing anger which does seem to be acceptable. Why are we so averse to someone crying in the workplace but accepting of someone shouting? Crying doesn’t cause the conversation to shut down like expression of anger does. It may be uncomfortable but it really shouldn’t be.

A few practical things you can do as men:

Create self-reflection time to understand what really matters to you and what can make you feel happy and fulfilled. Think about what brings you joy and make it happen.
Worrying is a wasted emotion which doesn’t negate the feeling of disappointment if something actually goes wrong. It is not up to you to shoulder all concerns or worries. Speak up about any concerns you have with someone you trust. Remember you don’t have to solve everything - sometimes just listening is enough.
Emotions help us understand when something feels ‘off’. It is important to listen to the heart and gut as well as the head.

Today, let’s open up conversations with the men in our lives. Brené Brown shared a conversation with a man who said his wife didn’t want him to show vulnerability and actively pushed back when he did. We need to make it safer for men to share their concerns, and to lift the burden they too often feel is their responsibility to shoulder. Let’s work together to create a better world for everyone!

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